Thursday, November 18, 2010
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
Saturday, November 13, 2010
im bck. still alive. sorry for disappearing so long.
i moved out from my old place. i bought a new car, small car it is. it's cheap but i am happy. well, im happy for just that .. my personal side hasn't changed much. my last post was on last march, now it's november but yet i am still stuck with these stupid emotional things.
i don't meet him (refer to my previous posts) anymore. he's still around but i no longer want to do anything with him. i deleted him on my ym (ignored too) and facebook (just recently). our last chat was two weeks ago and although nothing really happened between us, i just made the decision to completely erase him. our last chat was nothing really, he just asked how i am and what im doing and i just replied ok and other stuff ... no bitching, no angry tone nothing whatsoever ...
i think the gal that was with him last time is officially his gf now. he drives her car around, and even went to her hometown. nobody told me but i got the clue from our last chat (that he went to her hometown).
ok enough about them ... i feel like stalking already ... and it's stupid too.
what else? ... well i met new friends. foreign friends, but they're nice. im glad i met them. most of my friends now are foreigners. it's funny some locals have started assuming that i am a foreigner too!
ok so enough post this time. there's a lot in my mind but i just don't know where to start so i just ramble.
p/s. sorry for my bad english. english isn't my 1st or even 2nd language so i apologise for any bad words (this post and my previous).
Thursday, March 11, 2010
Monday, March 1, 2010
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
so here i come ... writing abt random stuff btw.
so i've been thinking about myself. about future, about plan, about what i need to do next, what choices i had, what should i do and etc ... i know im not young anymore so i really need to focus and do what i need to do.
it's quite sad that all my laid out plans are all about pleasing everyone. actually it's not really that bad but i don't think i will be truly happy with all of it (though i will keep my fingers crossed). but then i need to be realistic, otherwise i will be in nowhere soon ... yes im still living my fake life. fake? hmm .. maybe not, but maybe it is ... but then, as they said, just live your life no matter what (?) ...
about the guy (sigh, yes im still stupid .. ), i think i still have feeling for him although i blocked him on my ym forever ... i met him once during lunch not long ago .. i was sitting with friends and he came from behind, i didn't notice him coming, there was this mutual friend of us so he talked to him first, yeah he got this 'chance' to sit next to me finally ... he actually did asked my permission to sit next to me and i was like, smiling and acting kinda cheerful (i didn't want to create awkward situation coz nobody else knows about 'us') and said yes of course why not and further uttered stupid words 'long time no see you' .. he was like, smiling and said thanks so much ... yeah that as if i didn't do anything to avoid him since ages ago ...
so we did talked about few stuff .. and even joked ... and laughed ... and he invited me to come play with him again ... and i did say no problem (stupid right?)
i think i really need to stop writing about him ... but probably i will not stop coz i know i wont ... yes i know ... sigh ..
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
i still feel stupid of myself.
probably i am.
OK so i haven't had any post about him lately.
i met him unexpectedly today - err, just saw him to be exact - at this* crowded eatery. he was there with some girlfriends at the centre table talking and eating.
i walked past them without looking at his direction.
he noticed me. i thought he was about to greet me when i walk past them.
but i pretended that i didn't see him. i looked away as if i didn't notice him.
i snubbed him.
and i took the farthest table away from him. i waited until they're gone before i walk out from the eatery.
i thought he sensed my ignorance towards him after that.
so ... was i rude?
but i don't care.
Saturday, January 9, 2010
Wednesday, January 6, 2010
i think it would be easier if i am straight. life wouldn't be so hard. i wouldn't need to hide and fake things. i wouldn't get headaches over some guys. i wouldn't have to cry over them. my life wouldn't be so complicated. my life wouldn't be so full of miseries. my life wouldn't be so full of mess ... and lies!
i still don't know what to live. i feel so useless and alone. i have to pretend that i am happy with my life. i have to pretend that i enjoy living my life. i have to pretend that i am normal. and i have to pretend that i love my fake life!
maybe it would be easier if people are open and supportive. but they aren't. for them, being 'not normal' is a shame. an abnormal should be stoned to death. or shunned for life.
yeah this life's hard. and painful. i don't think anyone will be proud of me if they found out my 'abnormality'. i am sure my family will disown me. perhaps some friends will stay, but i think most of them will cut the strings off.
sometimes i want to end my life. to end the miseries. to end the pains. to end everything. but yeah i still live now.
i wonder what future has for me ...
but do i have a future?
Monday, January 4, 2010
i wish i could think more positively. i mean, it never really crossed my mind that im truly happy of myself. i guess i am never happy of what i am. there's a huge part of me i'd like to banish. i wish i could be like someone else.
the only thing i ever succeed in is my education. i consider myself in a class high above from many, yet i never really feel happy about it. perhaps it's bcoz im doing something i have to do, not what i want to do.
i know i could turn back to what i am really passionate about, but i think it's kinda late. i am not young anymore and i need to earn money to live. so i have to pick up whatever in front of me and not look back.
i never had serious thoughts about my future. i had blurry images of what i wanted to be. perhaps i am yet to know what i truly want in life.
i guess i just need to carry on with what i have now.