coffin ramble

sigh.

i thought i could quit him. but i can't. i've deleted him on my ym and fb, yet i still think about him everyday. and today's even worse, i 'accidentally' met him and his gf during bfast. i didn't notice them coming, but i think he must have seen me before i noticed them. he smiled slightly when our eyes met. luckily i already finished my plate, so i took off silently without looking bck.

silly and stupid right? i should hv move on and forget abt him. i want to, but i can't, because he'll be around for another two three years so whether i like it or not, im gonna meet and see him (and his gf) somewhere sometimes.

well .. on a bright side (or probably another doom?), i got this another guy to look at. silly really, but i actually 'met' him many times already, and he always give me this kinda weird look everytime we meet. i remember the first time we 'saw' each other it was in an office. he looked kinda lost so i tried to help him. we spoke little. the second time we met was at a food court, i wasn't really looking at him but i noticed he was kinda giving me a strange 'look' so i 'stared' at him bck. from that moment, everytime we meet, he'll give me the same look - slight glimpse but kinda deep. i dunno how to describe it but it just feel different.

nothing to expect though, coz he might just feel weird that i always look at him. and he might not what i want him to be. or worse, he might just get irritated and annoyed with my constant 'stare'. no i don't stare at him, just slight eye contact.

ok, probably i just need to focus on other thing. like work maybe. i wish i don't have these feelings to other guys. i wish i could get rid of it completely. i wish i could be someone else. but i won't be, coz i am what i am. whether i like myself or not, i will always be me.

still ... the coffin isn't really far ...

don't worry, im not going to do stupid thing.

im back

hey guys ...

im bck. still alive. sorry for disappearing so long.

i moved out from my old place. i bought a new car, small car it is. it's cheap but i am happy. well, im happy for just that .. my personal side hasn't changed much. my last post was on last march, now it's november but yet i am still stuck with these stupid emotional things.

i don't meet him (refer to my previous posts) anymore. he's still around but i no longer want to do anything with him. i deleted him on my ym (ignored too) and facebook (just recently). our last chat was two weeks ago and although nothing really happened between us, i just made the decision to completely erase him. our last chat was nothing really, he just asked how i am and what im doing and i just replied ok and other stuff ... no bitching, no angry tone nothing whatsoever ...

i think the gal that was with him last time is officially his gf now. he drives her car around, and even went to her hometown. nobody told me but i got the clue from our last chat (that he went to her hometown).

ok enough about them ... i feel like stalking already ... and it's stupid too.

what else? ... well i met new friends. foreign friends, but they're nice. im glad i met them. most of my friends now are foreigners. it's funny some locals have started assuming that i am a foreigner too!

ok so enough post this time. there's a lot in my mind but i just don't know where to start so i just ramble.

p/s. sorry for my bad english. english isn't my 1st or even 2nd language so i apologise for any bad words (this post and my previous).

me

why can't i be happy? why can't i be normal like anyone else?

i watched 'prayers for bobby' (secretly) last night and i struggled so hard not to shed a tear. my roommate was around so it would be embarrassing if he saw me, a tough guy 'crying'.

i am bobby in many ways. we both struggle to find the answers to 'why im being like this?' or 'why can't i be like anyone else?'. i understand his frustration. it's just too bad he took his own life too soon.

i too have considered taking my own life before. but i couldn't, coz i was scared about dying.

i really wish i could find someone who truly can understand me. and i wish i could talk to God and ask him why He created me like 'this'. i am not religious but sometimes i feel like there's nothing else i could do.

i wish to have someone special in my heart who cares and loves me in return. but there won't be any for me, this i know.

another ramble

maybe im just confused.

i think im just unsure about who i should love. i think im able to love a girl, and i think im able to feel disgusted to fall in love with another guy. but the fact that i had more crushes on guys compared to girls made me think that i might actually prefer guys more.

i think there are only two guys who know that im different. the first one was this person who i had my first experiment with ... and the second one was a friend, who actually was the one who had wanted me to fuck him so bad.

otherwise im a straight guy. i act macho. i do rough sport. i do men's stuff. i talk men's stuff. and etc ...

i think i had became a stranger to myself ..

ramble ramble and ramble

dunno what to write. i don't want to write abt him anymore.

this week's kinda hectic for me. soon, i need to go somewhere for some money matters. a lot preparations need to be done and i want to settle it all within this week.

i got many friends. but i still feel lonely. i wish i have someone special who i care and love and she/he does the same to me. many people look up on me, idolise me and adore me but i felt nothing. i don't think i am (if) any special. even if i am any special, i don't know what is special about me. i don't think im perfect physically, yet there are few people who wanted me so bad. a girl wanted to be my gf, another girls wanted to hook up with me, and another boy wanted me to fuck him so bad! i really don't understand them, what did they see on me? they said that im cute, that im good looking guy, but i never see i am. it's always people who approached me first, i never made any first move until with this current guy. so i don't think im any good starter.

i talked with this guy (who wanted me to fuck him) and asked him what's special about me. he told me it was my personality that made me 'hot'. am i really hot? i don't think so. but there's one thing for sure, i got a lot friends. different kind of friends. from different countries. from different races, from different religions ... a good mix of friends.

i wish i could do more ... i have more to do ... but with current situation, i am not sure where to go. i could go left, i could fo right ... or i could end my own life.

i envy people who had stable relationship with their loved ones. i don't understand people can love and break. i don't understand why so many people failed to be faithful.

well, i am not perfect either so i could do the same thing. i wish i could see my own life as i see other's life so i can change and make better my life.

adam lambert just sang 'just don't give up' on my mp3 player ...

away forever

ok so this post is still about him. i hv to admit that i still think abt him; it's really hard not to coz he still lives here. i hv tried my best to avoid meeting him but we still met - accidentally of course. the latest of our meeting was yesterday, i was walking past a shop and he was there (i totally didn't expect to see him there), with a gal who i assumed to be his new gf. he saw me, he smiled and waved his hand at me and i stupidly smiled and waved back at him (which i regret now). good thing we didn't talk as i quickly whisked myself away - i didn't want to see him any longer. of course, it was painful to see him with another person but i hv learned to control myself so nothing happened after that.

well, good news for me today. a mutual friend of us told me that he will be moving away soon; to which i am glad coz that means i won't see him again, forever. i had wished not to see him again so the news abt him leaving away is definitely a relief and a 'dream comes true' for me.

it's not that i hate him. in fact, im still in love with him (i guess so, i never changed - too bad). but i know it is just impossible for me to have him so yeah, it is better for us to not see each other forever so i can completely heal the wounds and forget abt him ...

i'll wait till the day comes ...

yeah i've been lazy blogging lately so no updates, sorry guys ...

so here i come ... writing abt random stuff btw.

so i've been thinking about myself. about future, about plan, about what i need to do next, what choices i had, what should i do and etc ... i know im not young anymore so i really need to focus and do what i need to do.

it's quite sad that all my laid out plans are all about pleasing everyone. actually it's not really that bad but i don't think i will be truly happy with all of it (though i will keep my fingers crossed). but then i need to be realistic, otherwise i will be in nowhere soon ... yes im still living my fake life. fake? hmm .. maybe not, but maybe it is ... but then, as they said, just live your life no matter what (?) ...

about the guy (sigh, yes im still stupid .. ), i think i still have feeling for him although i blocked him on my ym forever ... i met him once during lunch not long ago .. i was sitting with friends and he came from behind, i didn't notice him coming, there was this mutual friend of us so he talked to him first, yeah he got this 'chance' to sit next to me finally ... he actually did asked my permission to sit next to me and i was like, smiling and acting kinda cheerful (i didn't want to create awkward situation coz nobody else knows about 'us') and said yes of course why not and further uttered stupid words 'long time no see you' .. he was like, smiling and said thanks so much ... yeah that as if i didn't do anything to avoid him since ages ago ...

so we did talked about few stuff .. and even joked ... and laughed ... and he invited me to come play with him again ... and i did say no problem (stupid right?)

..........

i think i really need to stop writing about him ... but probably i will not stop coz i know i wont ... yes i know ... sigh ..