stupid and rude

i still feel stupid of myself.

probably i am.

OK so i haven't had any post about him lately.

i met him unexpectedly today - err, just saw him to be exact - at this* crowded eatery. he was there with some girlfriends at the centre table talking and eating.

i walked past them without looking at his direction.

he noticed me. i thought he was about to greet me when i walk past them.

but i pretended that i didn't see him. i looked away as if i didn't notice him.

i snubbed him.

and i took the farthest table away from him. i waited until they're gone before i walk out from the eatery.

i thought he sensed my ignorance towards him after that.

so ... was i rude?

probably yes.

but i don't care.

yeah ...

stupid

i kinda regret my last post. i feel stupid about it.

and i feel stupid about myself. why im being like this?

what is normal?

i wish to be 'normal' and straight just like many out there.

i think it would be easier if i am straight. life wouldn't be so hard. i wouldn't need to hide and fake things. i wouldn't get headaches over some guys. i wouldn't have to cry over them. my life wouldn't be so complicated. my life wouldn't be so full of miseries. my life wouldn't be so full of mess ... and lies!

i still don't know what to live. i feel so useless and alone. i have to pretend that i am happy with my life. i have to pretend that i enjoy living my life. i have to pretend that i am normal. and i have to pretend that i love my fake life!

maybe it would be easier if people are open and supportive. but they aren't. for them, being 'not normal' is a shame. an abnormal should be stoned to death. or shunned for life.

yeah this life's hard. and painful. i don't think anyone will be proud of me if they found out my 'abnormality'. i am sure my family will disown me. perhaps some friends will stay, but i think most of them will cut the strings off.

sometimes i want to end my life. to end the miseries. to end the pains. to end everything. but yeah i still live now.

i wonder what future has for me ...

but do i have a future?

new year, new resolutions?

sigh.

i wish i could think more positively. i mean, it never really crossed my mind that im truly happy of myself. i guess i am never happy of what i am. there's a huge part of me i'd like to banish. i wish i could be like someone else.

the only thing i ever succeed in is my education. i consider myself in a class high above from many, yet i never really feel happy about it. perhaps it's bcoz im doing something i have to do, not what i want to do.

i know i could turn back to what i am really passionate about, but i think it's kinda late. i am not young anymore and i need to earn money to live. so i have to pick up whatever in front of me and not look back.

i never had serious thoughts about my future. i had blurry images of what i wanted to be. perhaps i am yet to know what i truly want in life.

i guess i just need to carry on with what i have now.

sigh.