ramble ramble and ramble

dunno what to write. i don't want to write abt him anymore.

this week's kinda hectic for me. soon, i need to go somewhere for some money matters. a lot preparations need to be done and i want to settle it all within this week.

i got many friends. but i still feel lonely. i wish i have someone special who i care and love and she/he does the same to me. many people look up on me, idolise me and adore me but i felt nothing. i don't think i am (if) any special. even if i am any special, i don't know what is special about me. i don't think im perfect physically, yet there are few people who wanted me so bad. a girl wanted to be my gf, another girls wanted to hook up with me, and another boy wanted me to fuck him so bad! i really don't understand them, what did they see on me? they said that im cute, that im good looking guy, but i never see i am. it's always people who approached me first, i never made any first move until with this current guy. so i don't think im any good starter.

i talked with this guy (who wanted me to fuck him) and asked him what's special about me. he told me it was my personality that made me 'hot'. am i really hot? i don't think so. but there's one thing for sure, i got a lot friends. different kind of friends. from different countries. from different races, from different religions ... a good mix of friends.

i wish i could do more ... i have more to do ... but with current situation, i am not sure where to go. i could go left, i could fo right ... or i could end my own life.

i envy people who had stable relationship with their loved ones. i don't understand people can love and break. i don't understand why so many people failed to be faithful.

well, i am not perfect either so i could do the same thing. i wish i could see my own life as i see other's life so i can change and make better my life.

adam lambert just sang 'just don't give up' on my mp3 player ...

away forever

ok so this post is still about him. i hv to admit that i still think abt him; it's really hard not to coz he still lives here. i hv tried my best to avoid meeting him but we still met - accidentally of course. the latest of our meeting was yesterday, i was walking past a shop and he was there (i totally didn't expect to see him there), with a gal who i assumed to be his new gf. he saw me, he smiled and waved his hand at me and i stupidly smiled and waved back at him (which i regret now). good thing we didn't talk as i quickly whisked myself away - i didn't want to see him any longer. of course, it was painful to see him with another person but i hv learned to control myself so nothing happened after that.

well, good news for me today. a mutual friend of us told me that he will be moving away soon; to which i am glad coz that means i won't see him again, forever. i had wished not to see him again so the news abt him leaving away is definitely a relief and a 'dream comes true' for me.

it's not that i hate him. in fact, im still in love with him (i guess so, i never changed - too bad). but i know it is just impossible for me to have him so yeah, it is better for us to not see each other forever so i can completely heal the wounds and forget abt him ...

i'll wait till the day comes ...

yeah i've been lazy blogging lately so no updates, sorry guys ...

so here i come ... writing abt random stuff btw.

so i've been thinking about myself. about future, about plan, about what i need to do next, what choices i had, what should i do and etc ... i know im not young anymore so i really need to focus and do what i need to do.

it's quite sad that all my laid out plans are all about pleasing everyone. actually it's not really that bad but i don't think i will be truly happy with all of it (though i will keep my fingers crossed). but then i need to be realistic, otherwise i will be in nowhere soon ... yes im still living my fake life. fake? hmm .. maybe not, but maybe it is ... but then, as they said, just live your life no matter what (?) ...

about the guy (sigh, yes im still stupid .. ), i think i still have feeling for him although i blocked him on my ym forever ... i met him once during lunch not long ago .. i was sitting with friends and he came from behind, i didn't notice him coming, there was this mutual friend of us so he talked to him first, yeah he got this 'chance' to sit next to me finally ... he actually did asked my permission to sit next to me and i was like, smiling and acting kinda cheerful (i didn't want to create awkward situation coz nobody else knows about 'us') and said yes of course why not and further uttered stupid words 'long time no see you' .. he was like, smiling and said thanks so much ... yeah that as if i didn't do anything to avoid him since ages ago ...

so we did talked about few stuff .. and even joked ... and laughed ... and he invited me to come play with him again ... and i did say no problem (stupid right?)

..........

i think i really need to stop writing about him ... but probably i will not stop coz i know i wont ... yes i know ... sigh ..

stupid and rude

i still feel stupid of myself.

probably i am.

OK so i haven't had any post about him lately.

i met him unexpectedly today - err, just saw him to be exact - at this* crowded eatery. he was there with some girlfriends at the centre table talking and eating.

i walked past them without looking at his direction.

he noticed me. i thought he was about to greet me when i walk past them.

but i pretended that i didn't see him. i looked away as if i didn't notice him.

i snubbed him.

and i took the farthest table away from him. i waited until they're gone before i walk out from the eatery.

i thought he sensed my ignorance towards him after that.

so ... was i rude?

probably yes.

but i don't care.

yeah ...

stupid

i kinda regret my last post. i feel stupid about it.

and i feel stupid about myself. why im being like this?

what is normal?

i wish to be 'normal' and straight just like many out there.

i think it would be easier if i am straight. life wouldn't be so hard. i wouldn't need to hide and fake things. i wouldn't get headaches over some guys. i wouldn't have to cry over them. my life wouldn't be so complicated. my life wouldn't be so full of miseries. my life wouldn't be so full of mess ... and lies!

i still don't know what to live. i feel so useless and alone. i have to pretend that i am happy with my life. i have to pretend that i enjoy living my life. i have to pretend that i am normal. and i have to pretend that i love my fake life!

maybe it would be easier if people are open and supportive. but they aren't. for them, being 'not normal' is a shame. an abnormal should be stoned to death. or shunned for life.

yeah this life's hard. and painful. i don't think anyone will be proud of me if they found out my 'abnormality'. i am sure my family will disown me. perhaps some friends will stay, but i think most of them will cut the strings off.

sometimes i want to end my life. to end the miseries. to end the pains. to end everything. but yeah i still live now.

i wonder what future has for me ...

but do i have a future?

new year, new resolutions?

sigh.

i wish i could think more positively. i mean, it never really crossed my mind that im truly happy of myself. i guess i am never happy of what i am. there's a huge part of me i'd like to banish. i wish i could be like someone else.

the only thing i ever succeed in is my education. i consider myself in a class high above from many, yet i never really feel happy about it. perhaps it's bcoz im doing something i have to do, not what i want to do.

i know i could turn back to what i am really passionate about, but i think it's kinda late. i am not young anymore and i need to earn money to live. so i have to pick up whatever in front of me and not look back.

i never had serious thoughts about my future. i had blurry images of what i wanted to be. perhaps i am yet to know what i truly want in life.

i guess i just need to carry on with what i have now.

sigh.