me

why can't i be happy? why can't i be normal like anyone else?

i watched 'prayers for bobby' (secretly) last night and i struggled so hard not to shed a tear. my roommate was around so it would be embarrassing if he saw me, a tough guy 'crying'.

i am bobby in many ways. we both struggle to find the answers to 'why im being like this?' or 'why can't i be like anyone else?'. i understand his frustration. it's just too bad he took his own life too soon.

i too have considered taking my own life before. but i couldn't, coz i was scared about dying.

i really wish i could find someone who truly can understand me. and i wish i could talk to God and ask him why He created me like 'this'. i am not religious but sometimes i feel like there's nothing else i could do.

i wish to have someone special in my heart who cares and loves me in return. but there won't be any for me, this i know.

another ramble

maybe im just confused.

i think im just unsure about who i should love. i think im able to love a girl, and i think im able to feel disgusted to fall in love with another guy. but the fact that i had more crushes on guys compared to girls made me think that i might actually prefer guys more.

i think there are only two guys who know that im different. the first one was this person who i had my first experiment with ... and the second one was a friend, who actually was the one who had wanted me to fuck him so bad.

otherwise im a straight guy. i act macho. i do rough sport. i do men's stuff. i talk men's stuff. and etc ...

i think i had became a stranger to myself ..